They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
