My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
