I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
