I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
