So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
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