Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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