My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
