So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
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I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
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Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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