Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Randomize
