Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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