I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
