his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
