tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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