I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
