youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
He keeps bees of course he's weird
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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