Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
