so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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