I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize