babies were throwing up all over the place
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
