took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
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he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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