Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
