just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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