why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Randomize
