It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
