why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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