Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Farmville is her only friend.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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