Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize
