The brown eye won't let me do that either.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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