I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
