Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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