that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
