So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
