also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
