the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
