I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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