Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
