can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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