There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
