There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Randomize
