So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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