For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Just invented taco cereal.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Randomize
