Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
