dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
