Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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