Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
