Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
