I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
