I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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