hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
