i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
