you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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