my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
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I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
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I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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