Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
17 year olds will be the death of me.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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