he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
