i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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