when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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