I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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