so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Randomize
