I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
