I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
