I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
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She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
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bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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