I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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