.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
